I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
