Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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