Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
