I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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