Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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