"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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