There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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