Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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