What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
