i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
