I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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