sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
