Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
