Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
