just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
