I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
