I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
