nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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