my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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