Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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