Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
