I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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