Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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