I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
it was like his penis was on wheels.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
