it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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