I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
