so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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