Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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