I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
