Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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