I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
