My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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