Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
