Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
