if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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