what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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