I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I party with great urgency now.
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