he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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