pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
