great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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