I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize