Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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