My balls are so social today.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
