Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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