he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
