I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize