I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
