Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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