the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
