you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
