Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
