my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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