I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Be still, my beating vagina.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
