I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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