Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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